i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
