I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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