just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
