This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
