if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
