yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
