Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
