Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
