My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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