To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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