i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
