kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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