I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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