I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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