Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
