@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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