Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
