rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My cat gives me a boner
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
