tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
