Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
