According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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