you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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