I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i love accidental penises.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
