tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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