im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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