im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
