Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
