I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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