WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
