dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
