I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
