when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
