If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
