Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My ass is underappreciated
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
