he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
