my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
