I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
