Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
