He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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