i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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