my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
