my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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