is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
