just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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