I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
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there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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