I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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