Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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