trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
