I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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