sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
