I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Holy sore nipples Batman
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
