I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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