Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my being single is dangerous.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
