i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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