this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
