Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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