Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
