called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
